Breaking the Ten Commandments with Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly

Jake Rister

As some of you may know, I have set forth as my task to spread the gospel of my lord and savior, Bill ‘the Kraut’ O’Reilly.  I wanted to see how my faith held up against the basic premises of Western morality, the Ten Commandments.  But ironically, Bill ‘the Kraut’ himself foiled me at every turn.

Commandment One: I am the Lord your God

Not a commandment technically, but it doesn’t matter.  “Grandfather Vengeance” is a decent choice, but Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly is already the Lord my God. 

Commandment Two: You shall have no other gods before me

The first and the second are the same because YWVH couldn’t come up with a legit tenth.  No matter, as I just said, Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly is clearly held before him.  He could’ve definitely come up with a 10^th.

Commandment Three: You shall not make for yourself an idol

As we all know, I have fashioned myself a man-sized statue of Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly, that speaks to me when I pray before it and guides me in its Word.

Commandment Four: You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God

This one I got!  Not only have I not used my God’s name wrongfully, I’ve bettered it: for he is now known by his full and rightful name: Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly.  (Those Kabbalists must wish their shit was this easy).

Commandment Five: Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy

My Sabbath is Monday through Friday, 8:00 – 9:00 EST and I keep it very holy.

Commandment Six: Honor your father and mother

My father and mother taught me that Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly was a dirty Kraut, scum who got himself off by manipulating the minds of stupid people and looking at pictures of himself.  How could I possibly honor them?

Commandment Seven: You shall not murder

Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly has told me to slaughter Kraut for the rest of my life, and I cannot but obey him.

Commandment Eight: You shall not commit adultery

I commit adultery in my heart with Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly.

Commandment Nine: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor

I fancy myself a treacherous barbarian.

Commandment Ten: You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor

Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly belongs to everyone, but I covet him all to myself.

 

The Puscifer and the Kraut: a Fable

Moriah

As I sat with my coffee outside of my home,

This morning I allowed my kitten to roam.

Young Puscifer’s free to do as he pleases,

And his antics attracted the usual sleazes.

 

His most ruthless manner and small furry face,

Cause hobos and yuppies to stop in their place.

They all try lure him as they plot and they covet,

‘Til Puscifer and I both tell them to shove it.

 

But today’s passerby was no simple bum,

Though the leer on his face made me want to run,

I could tell by his stride that he prized himself highly,

And I soon recognized the great kraut Bill O’Reilly.

 

Bill watched as the Puss cavorted and grooved,

It was clear that this most filthy kraut disapproved.

I turned up the Wu Tang because I didn’t care,

But Bill opened his mouth his opinions to share.

 

“This cat has no discipline,” said Bill the kraut,

“He wanders all over, and there is no doubt

In my mind that he is a most godless creature,

You’re a terrible parent and an even worse teacher.”

 

“Oh, Bill,” I replied. “I would answer, you see

If only I could take you seriously!

I know you think that your shit is diamond encrusted,

But your nonsense is just simply not to be trusted.”

 

“Are you training your cat to compete and succeed?”

Barked old fatface Bill as I lit up some weed.

“Though marriage is vital I’m sure you’ve not wed,

But lead the life of a drugged, single mother instead.”

 

Said I: “despite all your nonsense this kitten does thrive

Because he has not one parent, but five.

We’re doing quite well, Bill, much to your dismay

Since we’re all polyamorous and a little bit gay.”

 

Before Bill the kraut could mock himself more,

A black furry bullet shot out of the door.

If there’s one thing that urges our Puscifer to kill,

It’s the drivel and stench of a kraut like old Bill.

 

 

Bill’s self-defense was at best mediocre,

And Puss went for his face, just like the Joker.

The sharp, vicious claws slashed both of Bill’s cheeks –

(He won’t be appearing on TV for weeks!)

 

The kraut quickly fled with his hands on his jaws,

As Puscifer calmly did clean off his paws.

Bill O’Reilly was served to the utmost degree,

In this ruthless attack on the worst bourgeoisie.

 

So if you are a douchebag who has not matured,

I have a cat that will make sure you’re cured.

The moral, my friends, is if you are a kraut

The one you belittle may knock you right out.