New Favorite Website

Jon Stewart recently featured this amazing site on The Daily Show, and I can’t help but to pass it along. I swear it is not a joke. My favorite part is the “Setting the Record Straight” section – make sure to check out the wealth of information it has to offer. Also, if anyone has an in with this fine group of people or any other ideas on how to become a member, I’m all ears. Jake Rister and I could really use a pair of tickets to one of their events.

My Prescription for America

Moriah

Like so many barbarian hordes sweeping across the plains of central Asia, the healthcare debate has swept the nation with a surprisingly vicious force. As usual, we at Ruthless Ranting have many things to say on the subject, but I’m sure you’ve heard enough from every media outlet, not to mention every random-ass kraut-lite that has decided to weigh in with their oh-so-highly informed opinions. (If you’re interested in a real and informed take on healthcare, our friend over at Class Warfare does a great job of shedding light on the issues at stake – and for once I’m not being sarcastic). But there is one thing that I would like to address.

I may not be a doctor, but I do have a prescription for America: a healthy dose of RUTHLESS FISH BEATING is needed to counter the recent epidemic of CRAZY that has been circulating like wildfire around the country. The phrase “pull the plug on Grandma” in itself is so ridiculous that I can’t even mock it further… I literally have nothing to say to the people that believe this absurdity. Where did they get the idea that it is appropriate to take themselves so seriously and lose all control of their emotions at town hall meetings while sobbing that they want “their” America back? My cat Puscifer is a 3-month-old feline and he seems to have about a million times more control than the average American. Which is why they all need to be beaten with a fish.

Even Obama can’t believe that he regularly has to address this shit as if it’s a real issue. It’s like if a professor was hired to teach a college-level human biology class, only to discovery that half his students still think that babies are brought by storks. I mean, have you seen the man’s facial expression in his recent speeches? It’s like he really wants to make fun of the assertions that his health care plan involves a “death panel,” but since he can’t do that, he teeters between a desire to hug us and punch us in the face.

But what he should really do is beat the entire country with giant pickled fish. Maybe then, when we have pearly beads of fish juice running down our cheeks, we will cease to believe the nonsense being spouted by kraut royalty such as Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck. Speaking of which, I have some presents for Bill O’Reilly to reward him for spreading his holy gospel. One of them is black and furry, and the other one smells like fish.

The Russian Strategy

Rodney Johnson is our newest ruthless ranter. Are his rantings conspiracy theories or cold hard truth? You decide. This week he weighs in on Russia. Be afraid.

Rodney Johnson

A lot can be said about Russians. They are certainly a ruthless, cutthroat people. They have little respect for all things non-Russian, although they do apparently like capitalism as much as the next asshole looking out for number one. And hockey? Pretty awesome. Oh, they also kick ass at organized crime. Just meet some Russian people, they’ll tell you. Especially the ones who aren’t obviously involved in anything, because you see, these people are taking part in the Russian strategy.

Organized crime is at the heart of a huge economic system that spans the earth and accounts for about a fifth of the world’s GDP. Drugs and prostitutes and all that other fun stuff are just consumer items to be bought and sold for a profit. I’d call it the purest kind of capitalism because there are no taxes, and the only barometer is cash. Using fear to influence people, as proven by Bill O’Reilly, is an excellent way to get what you want, and Russia, as a country, has a thirst for power that cannot be quenched. They don’t do anything small scale. Especially crime.

Any civilized nation already knows this, because anywhere that has been civilized is extremely susceptible to the kind of activity that characterizes the gangster lifestyle: Moscow has the highest number of millionaires in the world, and Grand Theft Auto was right – they really do love a fine Mercedes. Their government is no different. Maybe they don’t deal drugs, but they treat others like a gangster would, intimidating and using violence and extortion and whatnot.

Organized crime, being such a large activity in economic terms, can be a powerful destabilizing force in society. The Russians know this. Let’s give it to them, they are a very shady people, and they have not only accepted this fact, they have embraced it. Russian organized crime is now worldwide. There are no Five Families, or even necessarily a “mafia,” there’s just Russian organized crime – it’s too big to be grouped any other way. Since Russian people in general are aware, if not involved in, the scope of the crime (just ask one), and the Russian government is (to my knowledge), made up of Russian people, it seems a bit redundant to point out that the government is also aware of the power and reach of Russian organized crime.

Back to my second point. Ask a Russian about Russian organized crime. They will probably tell you how much you shouldn’t fuck with them and how they’re evil and stuff, the kind of talk that makes you think maybe they really are bad news. Telling you this instills fear, and fear is, of course, at the core of this whole long piece of bullshit. Your fear means they are winning. Because that’s how they are trying to take over the world – little by little, like a big red hand slowly squeezing the life out of a cantaloupe.

Russians Are Not To Be Trusted

Anastassia

The Russians may have fooled most people into thinking that they became civilized when they finally started eating McDonald’s in the early 90’s, but, thanks to David Cronenberg, we should all know better than to trust Eastern Promises.

While we all know the paranoid depictions of bears roaming the streets of Kremlin that were relayed to schoolchildren during the Red Scare aren’t actually true, one can’t help but point out the metaphorical value of this strangely familiar nationalistic scare tactic.  The thing is that, aside from a writer or two that Russia somehow managed to produce, it is at heart a nation of nomads and barbarians.

This is precisely why, when I read the July 2^nd masterpiece on U.S.-Russia relations in the Economist, I was delighted to find that somebody other than myself was sharp enough to cut through the bullshit and expose the Russians for what they truly are.  The writer sums things up nicely, reminding me that Russia’s problems are not our fault and that pretty much everything they do is and has always been a conspiracy against our nation.   “Mr Bush’s policy towards Russia was both confused and confusing,” reads the article, “One moment he was looking into Mr Putin’s eyes and finding a man he could trust; the next he was preaching democracy while failing to lift cold-war economic restrictions.”  Read: Russians are not to be trusted.

I am even considering giving the writer an extra shout-out for reminding me that “Russia is the largest country on earth” and that it stretches “from Europe to China.”

The visual aid that accompanied the article was also excellent:

With all due respect to whoever photoshopped this work of art, I think the picture needs a few final touches.  First of all, the bear should be holding a bottle of Stolichnaya in one of its paws and a Kalashnikov in the other.  Second, the sunset motif that appears to be going on in the background of this shot needs to be replaced with something more gloomy in order to symbolize the dark and evil nature of the Russian people.  Grey or black would do just fine, although I also wouldn’t be opposed to white because that is the color of snow and it pretty much always snows in Russia.  It would also be fun to dress Obama up like a dragqueen, but I guess that might come off as stupid and over-the-top.

Before you start calling me a bigot and sending me hate mail, let me point out that no Russian would ever be offended by anything that I’ve said here.  If they were truly interested in altering their sketchy image, would they be wearing leather jackets, smoking, and speaking a language that sounds angry?  I think not.  The truth is that Russians want us to believe they let bears loose on the street and are all in the Mafia. 

Besides, every culture needs folklore--we just tend to take ours a little more seriously than most peoples.  Chinese people, for example, have generally accepted the fact that malicious fox demons don’t actually exist thousands of years ago.   Well fuck them.  Personally, I still enjoy cropping Obama’s figure into the jaws of an oversized Russian bear.

 

On World History

Jake Rister

Human history can seem like a daunting topic.  I know that when I think back to history class in school I’m overwhelmed: there have been so many peoples, and so many kings, and so many wars, and so many dates (there have just been so many dates in history).  But as I am about to share, there is a secret structure to it all that, once understood, reveals the extraordinary simplicity of the human system.  Although there are hundreds of different countries, although there have been thousands of different languages, and, as we all know, everyone is a ‘unique’ individual, the truth is that there are only three types of peoples.  There are civilized peoples; there are barbaric peoples; and, of course, there are neanderthals. 

Human history has been nothing other than the story of different types of people just trying to be who they are.  Neanderthals live like humans used to live, back when we were basically animals.  Back then we lived off the earth and were directed by our gods’ voices.  We were generally nice to each other and gave thanks to animals when we ate them.  Sadly this style of human has had it rough since new types started emerging: the barbarians and the civilized.  These two types of people have been battling for the supremacy of their style for many millennia.  Civilized people build civilizations and then invade barbarian territory in an attempt to rule and civilize them.  Then barbarians invade the civilized world, slaughter it, and either return to their barbarian ways or try to become civilized and fail (since barbarians are by nature far too ruthless for civilized behavior).  When civilized places are left on their own for too long without a visit from the barbarians, they become far too civilized.  The nonsense of the 20^th century is nothing but a reminder of how unacceptable civilization becomes when it goes without a good invasion for too long.  For one thing, they discover the sorry, unsuspecting neanderthals – a type of people the civilized are utterly incapable of playing with nicely.

Like the primary colors, all types of peoples that currently exist are composed of these basic types.  Western Europe is naturally the source of most contemporary civilization and is still its primary bastion (along with its goofy progeny, North America).  Other places produced civilization organically at other points in time (e.g. India, China, Russia, Persia, Arabia), but today it is quite clear that 90% of civilization and civilized behavior is Western European.  The only exception we might consider is Japan, but even it decided to cast away much of its own style of civilized living for the West’s.  But then again they did invent technology, which was pretty civilized of them.  Thankfully the Japanese have decided to use their contribution to civilization nicely. Recently, for instance, there was nationwide cell phone network slowdown in Japan because its citizens were downloading too much porn on their Motorora’s.  Most of the other frontier outposts of civilization were inhabited by Neanderthals before Western Europeans helped themselves to them – places like Australia or South Africa or Israel.  And in the rest of the world, which is mostly non-civilized, the only civilized people are those that have been Western educated (either by Westerners or by themselves). 

You may be thinking, “what about South America?” And a reasonable question it is to think about.  But that can be explained easily, since it is simply a continent filled with people who are half civilized and half-neanderthal.  It’s utterly devoid of barbarians, and clearly suffers dearly for it.  For throughout the world we see one example after another of what ensues when there are no barbarians about: both the civilized and the Neanderthals start acting barbarous themselves and make a dirty mess of it.  When it reaches an absurd extreme, you get things like the filthy, dirty, soulless Kraut.  But the horrible truth of the last half century is that even when you think the Kraut are defeated, you look around the civilized world and realize that most everyone you see is acting like a stinking fucking Kraut.  Hence the timeless saying, “as relentless as a Kraut.”  Kill the Kraut.

Which brings me to the barbarians.  Full disclosure is due here: this is my definitely my favorite type.  If truth be told, I fancy myself a barbarian and claim that I want to reside in a yurt.  I have developed a theory that Jews’ penchant for nomadism, treachery, and general ruthlessness actually makes them part barbarian.  This is an extremely reasonable perspective for me to have taken, and it also means that I, by being half Jewish, am naturally barbaric.  In any case, we forget how much of the world is really just still filled with barbarians.  But barbarism is regrettably having a rough go of it these days.  With each passing day, cancerous civilization spreads over more and more of the globe.  Russians, Mongols, all manner of Turks – the great barbaric peoples – sit idly and feebly across Asia, the garbage heap left by the golden hordes back in the days when they swept across the continent to terrorize the civilized end of the world.  Now their ancestors sit in their respective imitations of civilized societies, listening to their Kraut, ‘western looking’ leaders spout nonsense and bicker like children, when all they want to do is just drink vodka, listen to gipsy music, not bathe, beat people with fish, and possibly drink blood from their mount as they shoot Europeans with arrows.

My guess is that, if you’re like everyone else, you’ve got Chinese on your mind, and I don’t mean take-out or stray cat meat.  I’m talking of course about the Chinese over there who are big and communist and ruthless.  You may think that rising China provides some hope for a resurgence of the barbarians.  But here too one is deceived by appearances, for there is nothing barbaric about the Chinese.  The Chinese are simply civilized neanderthals.  Which is why of course communism, civilization ad absurdum, worked so well in China but failed miserably amongst the ruthless Russians, where even the peasants are barbaric and treacherous.  Don’t be deceived by the squat bodies, squinty eyes, and buckteeth.  My childhood hero, Ghengis Khan, saw right through their faces and into their souls and acted properly with them, and so must the barbarians of today.

So, once one sees the world for what it is, one can only come to one conclusion: we are a few centuries overdo for a good old-fashioned barbarian invasion.  The situation is desperate.  There are quickly becoming only two types of people in the world, starving neanderthals and civilized Kraut.  Let us hope that the barbarians, smothered under civilized nonsense for so long, become ruthless and rise again.  If they don’t, I may just have to escape to Canada and get my hands on some of that oil money before it runs out.  Viva le Petro State!