On World History

Jake Rister

Human history can seem like a daunting topic.  I know that when I think back to history class in school I’m overwhelmed: there have been so many peoples, and so many kings, and so many wars, and so many dates (there have just been so many dates in history).  But as I am about to share, there is a secret structure to it all that, once understood, reveals the extraordinary simplicity of the human system.  Although there are hundreds of different countries, although there have been thousands of different languages, and, as we all know, everyone is a ‘unique’ individual, the truth is that there are only three types of peoples.  There are civilized peoples; there are barbaric peoples; and, of course, there are neanderthals. 

Human history has been nothing other than the story of different types of people just trying to be who they are.  Neanderthals live like humans used to live, back when we were basically animals.  Back then we lived off the earth and were directed by our gods’ voices.  We were generally nice to each other and gave thanks to animals when we ate them.  Sadly this style of human has had it rough since new types started emerging: the barbarians and the civilized.  These two types of people have been battling for the supremacy of their style for many millennia.  Civilized people build civilizations and then invade barbarian territory in an attempt to rule and civilize them.  Then barbarians invade the civilized world, slaughter it, and either return to their barbarian ways or try to become civilized and fail (since barbarians are by nature far too ruthless for civilized behavior).  When civilized places are left on their own for too long without a visit from the barbarians, they become far too civilized.  The nonsense of the 20^th century is nothing but a reminder of how unacceptable civilization becomes when it goes without a good invasion for too long.  For one thing, they discover the sorry, unsuspecting neanderthals – a type of people the civilized are utterly incapable of playing with nicely.

Like the primary colors, all types of peoples that currently exist are composed of these basic types.  Western Europe is naturally the source of most contemporary civilization and is still its primary bastion (along with its goofy progeny, North America).  Other places produced civilization organically at other points in time (e.g. India, China, Russia, Persia, Arabia), but today it is quite clear that 90% of civilization and civilized behavior is Western European.  The only exception we might consider is Japan, but even it decided to cast away much of its own style of civilized living for the West’s.  But then again they did invent technology, which was pretty civilized of them.  Thankfully the Japanese have decided to use their contribution to civilization nicely. Recently, for instance, there was nationwide cell phone network slowdown in Japan because its citizens were downloading too much porn on their Motorora’s.  Most of the other frontier outposts of civilization were inhabited by Neanderthals before Western Europeans helped themselves to them – places like Australia or South Africa or Israel.  And in the rest of the world, which is mostly non-civilized, the only civilized people are those that have been Western educated (either by Westerners or by themselves). 

You may be thinking, “what about South America?” And a reasonable question it is to think about.  But that can be explained easily, since it is simply a continent filled with people who are half civilized and half-neanderthal.  It’s utterly devoid of barbarians, and clearly suffers dearly for it.  For throughout the world we see one example after another of what ensues when there are no barbarians about: both the civilized and the Neanderthals start acting barbarous themselves and make a dirty mess of it.  When it reaches an absurd extreme, you get things like the filthy, dirty, soulless Kraut.  But the horrible truth of the last half century is that even when you think the Kraut are defeated, you look around the civilized world and realize that most everyone you see is acting like a stinking fucking Kraut.  Hence the timeless saying, “as relentless as a Kraut.”  Kill the Kraut.

Which brings me to the barbarians.  Full disclosure is due here: this is my definitely my favorite type.  If truth be told, I fancy myself a barbarian and claim that I want to reside in a yurt.  I have developed a theory that Jews’ penchant for nomadism, treachery, and general ruthlessness actually makes them part barbarian.  This is an extremely reasonable perspective for me to have taken, and it also means that I, by being half Jewish, am naturally barbaric.  In any case, we forget how much of the world is really just still filled with barbarians.  But barbarism is regrettably having a rough go of it these days.  With each passing day, cancerous civilization spreads over more and more of the globe.  Russians, Mongols, all manner of Turks – the great barbaric peoples – sit idly and feebly across Asia, the garbage heap left by the golden hordes back in the days when they swept across the continent to terrorize the civilized end of the world.  Now their ancestors sit in their respective imitations of civilized societies, listening to their Kraut, ‘western looking’ leaders spout nonsense and bicker like children, when all they want to do is just drink vodka, listen to gipsy music, not bathe, beat people with fish, and possibly drink blood from their mount as they shoot Europeans with arrows.

My guess is that, if you’re like everyone else, you’ve got Chinese on your mind, and I don’t mean take-out or stray cat meat.  I’m talking of course about the Chinese over there who are big and communist and ruthless.  You may think that rising China provides some hope for a resurgence of the barbarians.  But here too one is deceived by appearances, for there is nothing barbaric about the Chinese.  The Chinese are simply civilized neanderthals.  Which is why of course communism, civilization ad absurdum, worked so well in China but failed miserably amongst the ruthless Russians, where even the peasants are barbaric and treacherous.  Don’t be deceived by the squat bodies, squinty eyes, and buckteeth.  My childhood hero, Ghengis Khan, saw right through their faces and into their souls and acted properly with them, and so must the barbarians of today.

So, once one sees the world for what it is, one can only come to one conclusion: we are a few centuries overdo for a good old-fashioned barbarian invasion.  The situation is desperate.  There are quickly becoming only two types of people in the world, starving neanderthals and civilized Kraut.  Let us hope that the barbarians, smothered under civilized nonsense for so long, become ruthless and rise again.  If they don’t, I may just have to escape to Canada and get my hands on some of that oil money before it runs out.  Viva le Petro State!