Russians Are Not To Be Trusted

Anastassia

The Russians may have fooled most people into thinking that they became civilized when they finally started eating McDonald’s in the early 90’s, but, thanks to David Cronenberg, we should all know better than to trust Eastern Promises.

While we all know the paranoid depictions of bears roaming the streets of Kremlin that were relayed to schoolchildren during the Red Scare aren’t actually true, one can’t help but point out the metaphorical value of this strangely familiar nationalistic scare tactic.  The thing is that, aside from a writer or two that Russia somehow managed to produce, it is at heart a nation of nomads and barbarians.

This is precisely why, when I read the July 2^nd masterpiece on U.S.-Russia relations in the Economist, I was delighted to find that somebody other than myself was sharp enough to cut through the bullshit and expose the Russians for what they truly are.  The writer sums things up nicely, reminding me that Russia’s problems are not our fault and that pretty much everything they do is and has always been a conspiracy against our nation.   “Mr Bush’s policy towards Russia was both confused and confusing,” reads the article, “One moment he was looking into Mr Putin’s eyes and finding a man he could trust; the next he was preaching democracy while failing to lift cold-war economic restrictions.”  Read: Russians are not to be trusted.

I am even considering giving the writer an extra shout-out for reminding me that “Russia is the largest country on earth” and that it stretches “from Europe to China.”

The visual aid that accompanied the article was also excellent:

With all due respect to whoever photoshopped this work of art, I think the picture needs a few final touches.  First of all, the bear should be holding a bottle of Stolichnaya in one of its paws and a Kalashnikov in the other.  Second, the sunset motif that appears to be going on in the background of this shot needs to be replaced with something more gloomy in order to symbolize the dark and evil nature of the Russian people.  Grey or black would do just fine, although I also wouldn’t be opposed to white because that is the color of snow and it pretty much always snows in Russia.  It would also be fun to dress Obama up like a dragqueen, but I guess that might come off as stupid and over-the-top.

Before you start calling me a bigot and sending me hate mail, let me point out that no Russian would ever be offended by anything that I’ve said here.  If they were truly interested in altering their sketchy image, would they be wearing leather jackets, smoking, and speaking a language that sounds angry?  I think not.  The truth is that Russians want us to believe they let bears loose on the street and are all in the Mafia. 

Besides, every culture needs folklore--we just tend to take ours a little more seriously than most peoples.  Chinese people, for example, have generally accepted the fact that malicious fox demons don’t actually exist thousands of years ago.   Well fuck them.  Personally, I still enjoy cropping Obama’s figure into the jaws of an oversized Russian bear.