Sunday, July 26, 2009

Stuff Str8 Gurlz Like #1: Feelings


Str8 gurlz love anything to do with feelings: they love having them, expressing them, and talking about them, and they want you to do the same. Simply having an emotion is enough for a str8 gurl, that feeling must be very intense and expressed in an equally intense manner excessive to satisfy her. Personally, if I ever catch myself having a feeling, I make sure not to bore others with my emotional drivel and promptly inebriate myself or consume some fish to remind myself how ruthless I am. However, I am also not trying to date a str8 gurl, so that is generally not a problem for me.

If a str8 gurl happens to be your friend or girlfriend, and you want to please her, the best course of action is to ask her about her feelings and nod sympathetically while she talks. She will also respond positively to arm or back stroking, and, depending on the nature of your relationship, occasional kisses. When she is done (this may take a very long time), it is your turn to express some feelings. If you are having trouble coming up with feelings to talk about, take a cue from her and talk about the strength and frequency of your emotions. Some common gestures that convey your feelings on an everyday basis are: resting your hand on the back of her neck while on an escalator or walking in public, anything involving flowers, and reinforcing “positive” stereotypes about her gender role, such as “it’s so cute how long it takes you to get ready!” Occasionally a str8 gurl may express frustration by crying… in this case, I have been told that you should rub her back while murmuring “it’s okay,” and maybe “I’m sorry.”

If you think that all of this sounds like too much trouble, you’re right. And if you are terrified by the volume of a particular str8 gurl’s emotions, give me a call and we’ll get drunk together. Don’t even think about having a feeling around me: the punishment for that in my world is a ruthless fish beating. 

1 comment:

  1. My theory is that at the root of all actions taken by a straight girl is the fulfillment of the ultimate straight girl crying paradigm. In other words, all straight girls want to do is cry, and all of their actions are one stop toward achieving it.