Jake Rister
As some of you may know, I have set forth as my task to spread the gospel of my lord and savior, Bill ‘the Kraut’ O’Reilly. I wanted to see how my faith held up against the basic premises of Western morality, the Ten Commandments. But ironically, Bill ‘the Kraut’ himself foiled me at every turn.
Commandment One: I am the Lord your God
Not a commandment technically, but it doesn’t matter. “Grandfather Vengeance” is a decent choice, but Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly is already the Lord my God.
Commandment Two: You shall have no other gods before me
The first and the second are the same because YWVH couldn’t come up with a legit tenth. No matter, as I just said, Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly is clearly held before him. He could’ve definitely come up with a 10th.
Commandment Three: You shall not make for yourself an idol
As we all know, I have fashioned myself a man-sized statue of Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly, that speaks to me when I pray before it and guides me in its Word.
Commandment Four: You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God
This one I got! Not only have I not used my God’s name wrongfully, I’ve bettered it: for he is now known by his full and rightful name: Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly. (Those Kabbalists must wish their shit was this easy).
Commandment Five: Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy
My Sabbath is Monday through Friday, 8:00 – 9:00 EST and I keep it very holy.
Commandment Six: Honor your father and mother
My father and mother taught me that Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly was a dirty Kraut, scum who got himself off by manipulating the minds of stupid people and looking at pictures of himself. How could I possibly honor them?
Commandment Seven: You shall not murder
Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly has told me to slaughter Kraut for the rest of my life, and I cannot but obey him.
Commandment Eight: You shall not commit adultery
I commit adultery in my heart with Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly.
Commandment Nine: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
I fancy myself a treacherous barbarian.
Commandment Ten: You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor
Bill ‘The Kraut’ O’Reilly belongs to everyone, but I covet him all to myself.
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