On Marriage

Jake Rister

Marriage is a conspiracy of the Kraut.  Now one of the ways I traditionally distinguish myself from my hallowed 19-year-old counterparts is by a general distaste for conspiracy theories.  When I was 19, I was displaying many characteristics of a Kraut.  We don’t need to go into them all now, but one relevant example is that I wanted deeply to wed my girlfriend at the time, and often asked her romantically, “will you marry me?” Even in those times, I never liked conspiracy theories. 

But marriage is a fucking Kraut conspiracy if there ever was one.  Marriage, itself, brings absolutely nothing positive to society.  Everything that we associate positively with marriage – love, family, support, etc – has nothing to do with it and is probably inhibited by the institution.  Thanks, Kraut, for giving us a gift that suffocates personal betterment and exploration, makes people who once loved each other hate each other, and ruins childhoods since the wholeness of a child’s world now rests on whether or not mommy and daddy can still stand the sight of each other. Honestly, it’s a wonder Western society has flourished despite being structured on such foolish, irrational nonsense.

That today there is a legitimate social movement in the United States to protect the sanctity of marriage is almost laughable.  It is certainly absurd.  If world history had a wall of shame this movement would probably be on it, if we could take it seriously at all.