Jake Rister
In an attempt to get to know my boss, I fired a series of inquiring questions at him, so that I may better get to know my boss.
Who are you?
Your boss.
Where are you from?
The same place you are.
What is the most unacceptable girl’s name in the English language?
Madison.
What is the most unacceptable boy’s name?
Britton, or Brooks.
What is the best way to make a new friend?
Invite them to a Russian picnic.
The worst way?
Invite them on a friend date.
Why do you hate the Kraut so much?
Because when I sense their presence, my blood develops an electric current, resulting in agonizing shocks down every blood vessel in my body.
Who are your biggest influences?
My biggest influence is my boss.
What is your favorite color?
Purple.
What are your thoughts on dating?
I was once planning to go undercover with Anastassia to observe the Montreal dating scene from the inside, so we could expose it and mock it ruthlessly. But this never happened because, even in the service of this noble endeavor, I still couldn’t go on a dinner date.
What historical figure do you wish to emulate?
I like to think of myself as Paul to Bill O’Reilly’s Jesus, spreading his gospel to the world.
What is the thing you would like most to do in the world?
A line of cocaine with Barack “The Rock” Obama.
What is the one thing you would least like to do?
A line of cocaine with Bill “the Kraut” O’Reilly.
What is the worst thing in the world to you?
The type of Kraut who gains narcissistic pleasure from the admiration and devotion of other worthless Kraut. In other words, Bill “the Kraut” O’Reilly.
What’s the second worst thing?
Your questions.
What do you take your central purpose to be?
I’m sorry, but if you don’t mind I’m going to replace that question with the question I wish you had asked. Which is “what, Boss, is your favorite cereal?” And the answer to that is Raisin Bran.
What’s your next move going to be?
I’m planning on getting a Canadian citizenship and a piece of that oil money! Viva Le Petro State!
Why are str8 gurlz stupid?
I have no idea.
The only question that needs to be asked in a job interview is: "What is your favorite cereal?" If that person answers 'Raisin Bran' it is clear that you have your man.
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